The family deaths

I normally don't write about this stuff, but I think it was time I vented this out.

The loss of a loved one is something I got exposed to somewhat early in life. I lost my grandfather (Cebu) when I was in 2nd year high-school (14yrs old). My last living memory of him is the sound of his voice via a phone call -- the sound of weak struggling breaths and no other words. The youthful sense of invincibility cracked at that point. You'll never see him again during school vacations. Everyone you know will eventually fade away.

I lost my other grandfather (Manila) when I was in 4th year high-school. My last living memory of him was him lying comatose in a hospital bed only breathing normally via life support. That was the time I learned to dislike being in hospital wards and their tubes. Helplessness in a situation is a frustrating feeling to have.

October 14, 2013 - my grandmother (Manila) died in her sleep. She had just been discharged from the hospital a few days prior. Pneumonia had left her in a coma for more than a week, but she managed to recover.

Early this morning, my mom called and told me that my other grandmother (Cebu) had died at home. It was sudden, it was unexpected, it drove me to treat everything else for the day as a distraction. The last news I heard before this about her, was that she was okay, but scared due to the earthquakes that had occurred last October 15.

And here I am now, packing once more to go to another gathering.

There are other family deaths, of course. But these are about the coupled ones that I grew up with. Those who represent my world view of companionable, long term love. I thank them for showing me that and more in the time I've spent with them.

I entered a poetry contest in youtube a few years ago called TubeWrite. I made a video but it had no voice over. It remains one of my favorite compositions. Here be me interpreting it.

Close to the Precipice

I like the way you lose control
When I am deep inside you
You struggle for coherence
And bite marks begin to form

So fill the cups of Dionysus
For the harvest will be full
Let's bring ourselves to the brink
The tale shall move with the fall

Cine Europa 16, Day 2

Michael Conde's Genghis Kahn was fun. Initially felt weird listening to an English dub of a Tagalog film tho. haha

Other stuff of note according to the semi-lecture after the film:
1. May libreng cine daw sa CCP Dream Theater every month starting next week to celebrate national artist, Gerardo de León
2. The Philippine Film archive (?) is restoring old films and the next one is Manila sa Kuko ng Liwanag. Good film by the way.
3. There apparently are no archive copies of the Juan Tamad series :(

The buzz of the refrigerator cuts the silence of television advertising. It stops in the transition of a new sale. Countries claiming representation of an entire continent — one that probably Australia is only capable of if the geography I recall is still the same.
This train of thought is but a mere distraction to the rerun of a national geographic special on the 80’s. The decade of your birth. Each year that closes threatens to leave you behind. Stagnant? Immobile? Caught in too many thoughts to act.
Your mind wanders to the sensation of tracing your fingers down her back. Those slight shivers that rise when you glide through a particular spot. You recall those smiles you secretly shared and how her mouth could do wonders to the electrodes in your psyche.
Was this it? Was this what millions of human beings searched for throughout their insignificant lives? And so you stare back towards the kitchen knowing that she’s there where you left her. There have been times where you’ve caught her sleeping while nursing of one of her favorite fiction books.
You rise from your place by the television and move towards the kitchen.
Her limp form is there by the kitchen counter. Her right arm stretched out as if reaching for one of the drawers. You gently lift her and carry her towards the garage where the trunk of the car is propped open.
The stain by the counter will have to be cleaned.

Easter Reflections/Ramblings

I welcome these moments of silences, but at the same time they make me hesitate. These are the instances wherein I end up in a reflective mood and at times the results just scare me.

It's the mid-morning of Easter Sunday as I write this. The neighbors are having a Sunday karaoke fun day right now as I type these in a semi-sweaty topless state.
Now that I have that out there, I'm kind of looking back at who I have become. I really don't have any accomplishments to my name. I'm no academic power house who gobbled up as many medals and achievements as humanly possible. I don't think I've ever really pushed myself to anything other than mediocrity in general. But at the same time, I don't really have any regrets with my academic life.

The thing is, with the way I've lived m life so far,what sort of influence have I been to the people I've encountered? I mean seriously, look at Jesus. Whether or not you believe him to be the savior of mankind or the only begotten son of God, the mere fact that the concept of him has influenced mankind of centuries is a testament on his impact to the world. To quote Jesus Christ Superstar: "Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake or did you know you messy death could be a record breaker?"
Here's one of my problems I guess. A thousand plans sometimes fly in my head and I never really dedicate my time to pursue something to the end. I'm pretty sure that's even hurt or disappointed a couple of people in my life, but I just carry on.  Hell, I don't know. Maybe I just need to do something about solidifying my long term goals in life. It sounds cliched but I really do want to somehow make a difference. I could probably just start small and go volunteer somewhere. I've had my eye on helping out at a specific advocacy for a few years now. The question there is, what can I contribute to such a group? The only way to find out is to take that leap of faith. However, can I really take that leap?

A fortress of me

Soon I will have my own fortress of solitude. What images shall dance upon the walls? Will it be a welcoming light to my brethren or will it be a mere den of banal carnality in the shadows?

Will four years of blood money be worth the cost?

Lethargic summer heat
Embrace me in your smooth caress
milk me of my very being

Tell me again

When age is but a number
When a thousand words are compressed in the slight curve of your mouth
When the sight of you makes all else cease to exist
But that all fades with one small action

And there it rises again
In the cold dank night of our solitude
Hands clasped to the side
Heat emanating from a thousand miles of cables

Welcome home to the world you once left behind
A biosphere of hungry eyes and starving mouths
This confinement is unbearable

Find your escape and sin again
Find that release that has been chained
Keep them all at bay by a strand of light

So tell me again
When I am but a mere particle to be crushed for science
When the world burns, would you still dance with me?
Or would you push me back home to that world I'd rather leave behind?

Sharing Career Experiences

So our department was discussing potential projects for the year that we could do. One of the topics raised was to have seminars or career talks in schools and it made me think how I miss doing it.
There’s just something about giving a talk in front of a class and seeing their interested in what you have to say in terms of applying what they learn to what happens in real life.
Now that I’m in the internal audit field instead of management consulting, I sometimes wonder if I’ll still have the opportunity to do those kinds of talks again. I think it’ll have to revolve around how the skill sets of an industrial engineer fits with the requirements of the audit field.
It’d be interesting if there was such a thing as Industrial Engineering with a minor in internal auditing or something. Maybe there is in other countries? haha.
Anyway, the main reason that I got that kind of exposure to conducting class room discussions was because of my former boss. He gets invited annually to talk in my alma mater to discuss seminar specific topics like cost management applications.
Just some thoughts. Oh, and freebies from the class are always nice. :)

cross-posted on tumblr

From the glass eyes

Yours is not a raging inferno
Consuming all in a flash and dissipating into nothingness
Yours is a steady candlelight
Reassuring in the darkness

So let cubicles crumble
Let light shine on that chair
Amplifiers have cracked the glass
As these trial balances are being reconciled

It may not be what was wanted
But it just might be
What these glass eyes needed

The 2013 Writing Goals

One of my major problems is starting a writing project and not being able to finish it. Right now I have one short story that I really want to finish. It already has the beginning and ending but the middle part is the difficult bit.

I think part of the reason why i don't finish these things is my fear of writing. Don't get me wrong, writing is definitively a passion of mine, but I really don't like being vulnerable. You get all these thoughts like

• What's the point of doing this?
• What if no one reads it?
• You're not good enough
• You can waste your time doing something more enjoyable

Anyway, I want to push through all that and finish something. It may never be read by anyone but there are just days that I wake up and I just need to write whatever it is that needs to be written.

Scattered thoughts = bleh

So I've decided on having three goals this year. I want to establish rewards and penalties if I accomplish or fail these goals as well, but I probably need other people's inputs for that. Let me know if you have any suggestions.
I'm thinking rewards will probably be treat myself out to one of my favorite restaurants. Penalties -- I have no idea.

On to the goals. As mentioned, the first story's already been started but just needs the middle part to be written in.

GOAL 1: Finish writing the Adventures of Eaz (working title) by the end of 2013

• Current word count: 2,628
• Target approximate word count: 5,000

Another one that I did state that I would finish by 2012 year end was the compositions for Humping For Dominance

GOAL 2: Complete and post the entirety of Humping for Dominance by the end of 2013

• Sub-goal: See if they can be put to music or something to fully realize the "Concept Album" thingy
• Target: Write all 9 compositions
• Done: 1
• WIP: 5
• Not Started: 3

Lastly, another writing project that I started with a complete outline and had one of my favorite written scenes is apparently missing. I have to

GOAL 3: Restart writing The Glories of Reminto Galagus before the end of 2013

• Targets:
• Redraft outline by August 2013
• Finish one chapter by November 2013

Action Plan: 

• Set aside at least two hours each week purely for writing
• Post weekly or monthly status reports on the three goals